Don't cough at the grocery store

I have been sick for 3 days and decided it was time to go to the grocery store - life still goes on ya know (and I needed cheese).

After gathering all of my groceries and proceeding to the checkout counter, the cashier asks "Hey, how ya doin'?"

I should know better and realize that people don't actually want an answer to this question. Don't ask me why I haven't learned my lesson after these previous responses:
"I'm good, that rash finally cleared up."
"Not too good...my dog puked all over my bed. Oh I have a coupon too."
"Swell! Been sober for 3 hours now."

So I tell the cashier at the grocery store that I was doing well, but getting over a cold. He replies with the most disgusted face imaginable. I felt like I just got caught molesting his chihuahua.

He finishes with my checkout, gives me my receipt and doesn't say a word. How could he say anything to the most inconsiderate sick person to ever walk into his grocery store? The nerve!

I look back as I am walking out and see him slathering antibacterial gel all over his hands - I think he swallowed some as well. Then he tells the woman standing behind me in line that I am sick and so she is gonna have to wait until he disinfects the area. Apparently he left to take a sponge bath as well.

At first I felt really guilty. But gimme a break dude...

10 Happy Songs to Make you Dance

1. Tony Toni Tone - "It Feels Good"
2. Gnarls Barkley - "Smiley Faces"
3. Michael Jackson - "PYT"
4. MGMT - "Kids"
5. James Brown - "I Got You"
6. Steely Dan - "Peg"
7. Rick Astley - "Never Gonna Give You Up"
8. AfuRa - "God of Rap"
9. Katrina and the Waves - "Walking on Sunshine"
10. U2 - "Beautiful Day"

Download them now - I dare you not to dance around like an idiot!
:)

Suggestions for more?

Supercuts - Super Ripoff

We started furloughs this month at my job and I am trying to cut expenses where I can. Therefore instead of going to my fabulous salon in Little Italy where I can enjoy champagne and chocolates (http://hyde-edwards.com/) I went to Supercuts.

I just needed a haircut, nothing fancy, so I was happy to go and spend my $15.95. But it didn't turn out quite the way I wanted…

They take me right away which is good because they don't accept appointments. The "stylist" asks what I want done and I explain that I just need a trim.

"Do you want to start with a shampoo?"

What kind of a question is that? No, just go ahead and cut my dirty hair.

So after the shampoo she asks if I want a 5 minute scalp massage. Ok, obviously this costs more money so I decline - I am like totally savvy.

She cuts my hair and does a decent job. Not that you can really mess up cutting 4 inches of straight hair. She begins to blow dry and asks if I want it flat ironed.

"Nah I'm good."

"But I would really recommend it. Your hair isn't gonna lay flat on it's own."

Thanks - didn't realize that's what a flat iron was for.

So I said ok and she finished my hair.

Other than the screaming kids running around and the foul smell, it was quick and easy and cheap.

Or maybe not.

I go to the counter to pay and she rings me up.

"That'll be $41.95."

WTF?!?! Are you serious?

"Wait…how much was the haircut?"

"$18.95"

I just sit there looking dumbfounded and she sits there looking dumb.

"Do you want a breakdown of the services?"

Duh.

"Well you got a shampoo, a blow dry, flat iron, it all adds up."

Supercuts Sucks

OH! I see - thank you for explaining all of that to me AFTER the fact.

"Actually it should've been $57 but I gave you a discount since it was so quick."

Well thank you very much. Hell I pay $60 at the fancy salon with the alcohol and free food.

I begrudgingly give her the money and leave.

It's not until I am in my car that I realize I didn't leave a tip. I hesitated for about 1 second, felt guilty, and then said "fuck it" and left.

Was I wrong???

Suffer from migraines? Why don't you just get surgery? DUH!

For those of you who suffer from migraines, here are some things you need to know:
1) Migraines with aura - neurological disturbances before a migraine headache that may include blurred vision, an unpleasant smell or confusion. Some people have plain old headaches (I hate these people) and some have migraines without aura. If you get the type with aura, welcome to the club!
2) For women who have migraine with aura you are NOT supposed to be on estrogen -
http://www.webmd.com/migraines-headaches/guide/hormones-headaches
3) Caffeine may also play a role - I stopped caffeine intake 2 years ago and saw improvement with the number of my migraines.
http://www.medicinenet.com/migraine_headache/page5.htm

4) Botox has been suggested for years and now so is surgery - yikes:

http://www.cnn.com/2009/HEALTH/08/04/migraine.surgery/index.html

And for those of you who have no idea what I'm talking about, piss off...

Sufferers - what have you found that works? IUD? Certain triggers? Hitting your coworkers?

Ever gotten money from a homeless man?

I have!

Recently I was in line at the liquor store buying some beer. I have $10 cash on me and that’s about it. Cashier rings me up and it’s $10.99 – oops.
“Wait, let me go out to my car and scrounge up some change.”
The cashier (and people waiting in line) were not impressed.
I hear this gruffled voice behind me say “Ah, here ya go.”
An obvious homeless man is handing ME a dollar bill.
“Are you sure?”
“Yeah why not?”
Cashier’s face = confusion
“Can I give you a beer at least?”
“Nah I’m good with this.”
He holds up the biggest jug of Sunny D I’ve ever seen.
“That’s it?”
He leans in with a smelly whisper and says “Goes good with vodka.”

So, I am taking a new turn with my interaction amongst the transients.
Instead of ignoring them as I walk by and their empty hand comes up, I will respond in one of the following ways:
- “Sorry, the smallest I have is a 50.”
- “Actually can you just break some change for me?”
- “What do you want? I don’t understand.”
- Or you can anticipate the request for change, and turn it around “Hey buddy I need another 99 cents to buy this beer, got a buck to spare?”

Now I am sure you are wondering why I would go this route considering a very nice homeless man gave me money. But you’re missing the point – he had enough bills that he was passing them out at the liquor store.
Hmmmm…thought provoking.

Please share your homeless interactions! I know KTB has one…

"I'm a slapper"

Ya know those annoying people who you run into after a while or maybe you're just meeting them for the first time and they want to hug you?

"Oh! I'm a hugger - come here you!"

Why are we subjected to the hugging? Because you announced it?

If that's the case, then "I'm a slapper."

If you feel compelled to hug me cuz that's yo thang, don't be surprised to get my 5 finger hello. Some of us don't particularly enjoy your greasy paws wrapped around our bodies. But what I do enjoy is a good public slapping every once in awhile - especially if someone deserves it.

This summer at my wedding my bridesmaid KTB was meeting my husband's grandmother for the first time. Grandma Dee didn't get up, just said hello to my friend, and probably figured that was the end of it. KTB responded with "I'm a hugger!" Grandma Dee immediately replied, "Well I'm not."

She got hugged - AWkward...

Maybe I can get over my hug phobia and be more like this guy:

http://www.citizenofthemonth.com/2007/08/29/ive-learned-to-hug/

Whadya think? Should we let the greasy paws invade our personal space without prior written consent?

Having an abortion turns you into a crackhead whore?

Wow! I didn’t know that – and I have been doing abortion counseling for years. Luckily there are these crisis pregnancy centers available to give you all the facts.
Wait…you say these places aren’t legit? They are anti-choice? They just want everyone to have tons of babies and live happily ever after???

Crisis pregnancy centers are fake clinics that lure you in with advertisements such as “Pregnant? Scared? We can help.” Well that sounds pretty good to me. Oh, until they start telling you that abortion causes infertility, breast cancer and post abortion stress (a made up term – no, seriously, see what the American Psychological Association has to say about it: http://www.apa.org/pi/wpo/abortion-health.html).

Some of the websites and advertisements are so professional, it’s hard to tell what the underlying message is. Here is my personal favorite, because it has been advertised at the campus where I do pregnancy counseling.
http://www.capsonline.org/ College Area Pregnancy Services

This “clinic” can be very confusing for young women. First of all they use the same acronym we use on campus here for our Counseling And Psychological Services – coincidence?
And there is a picture of our campus on their home page. Therefore they MUST be affiliated with our school, right?

This website looks great and has tons of information. But because they DON’T have a big cross or mention god, the bible or eternal damnation anywhere in the text, isn’t it legit?

One of my favorite sections is the “Guys Only” area. Here men can learn what it means to be a man, including talking your girlfriend out of an abortion. According to CAPS “most relationships deteriorate within six months after an abortion.” Please. Ya know what also ends relationships? Babies.

What I have found is that if a relationship is strong before an abortion, it will be stronger after. If it was weak to start with, they will probably break up after an abortion. Some people break up after Facebook posts, so gimme a break.

Oh! By the way, all that fabulous abstinence only education funding goes towards these clinics. Maybe this is where Bristol Palin went when she 1st learned she was pregnant.

Wanna hear about the crackhead whore -

Check this out and let me know what you think:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FJXRVA16Kig